ladies man.

Tonight I drew a picture of a giant uncircumcised penis. The penis was flanked by small balls covered in wiry hair. On the shaft of the penis was a crudely drawn swastika. Above all of that, I scrawled "4 A GUD TIME CALL" followed by my cell phone number. I gave this to a really shy girl that I think is really cute, assuring that I will more than likely never speak with her again.

too dumb to die

too bored to sleep.

Burning Flags

All hubris can be reduced to ashes with the flick of a Bic.

songs I sang tonight

I sang these songs tonight with the assistance of a karaoke DJ.

UNDER THE BRIDGE - Red Hot Chili Peppers

JUST A GIGOLO - David Lee Roth

ALL STAR - Smashmouth

WOOLY BULLY ft. RYAN REIDY- Sam the Sham

LOVE SHACK ft. AUDREY PATTEN - B-52s.

lost blog.

Well, I was going to post a little story about how my I saved my beloved van from being towed last night, but due to accidentally hitting some sort of "hot-key", that nugget of warmth and humor has now been lost to a binary index somewhere. I got in my writing exercise though, and whether or not people using the internet believe me or not is irrelevant.

A Guide to Getting Wild: Pt. 2.

Tonight was the second time my new band THE GET WILD 5 played a show. The first time we played a show, was in Kokomo, IN. A small town with nothing much around it, and nothing much inside of it either. About 50 people gathered around us inside of a giant warehouse/skatepark (that was kept at about 40 degrees F) to watch us. There was a weird group of really young guys with beautiful long, flowing, curly hair that were really into us playing. Everyone at the show was very young, and I felt like I was babysitting. After the show, the band members and I went to a party and proceeded to have the time of our lives, while everyone else watched mostly in disgust. I threw people over my shoulders to do keg stands, and encouraged people to sing along to I GOT ERECTION by Turbonegro, until that all finally got old. It was a very wild night, in such a way that Rod Stewart never imagined.

A trend has been set.

So, anyway, at the show this evening some of the first people we saw were those 14-16 year old kids from the middle of nowhere. Rumor has it that they came just to see THE GET WILD 5. They drove an hour or so, just to see my band that doesn't practice or have any songs written. I've never felt like such a scam-artist before in my life, but it is a successful scam, so the feeling is esteem building. We played on some other band's equipment, and threw confetti all over the place. Someone from a local weekly entertainment newspaper said we were really good and they were going to write up a review for us. Our obligatory work as a "band" was done. Instruments were played, noise was made, people clapped their hands.

However, our mission as a group of individuals bonded by wildness was not over. It become apparent that THE GET WILD 5 is a tour-de-force of partying action. The three of us were just getting started, dancing, and having the time of our lives. We seem to have so much fun together that we actually offend other people who are not interested in having such a good time. We once again ended up at a strange party after the show. We were told it was a triple birthday party (EXTREMELY appealing to us for reasons that may be discussed at a later date). Upon arrival, we wished everyone we met a happy birthday, and introduced ourselves under random aliases. We danced to Blondie, and my good friend, and drummer of THE GET WILD 5, Brian, decided that he wanted to wear my clothes. We took off all of our clothes and traded while dancing around this living room. I don't understand the concept of underwear, and refuse to participate in the useless traditional garb. So, a bunch of people saw my penis, and then said "HEY I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR PENIS", so I said "WELL DON'T LOOK AT IT", and eventually put on Brian's clothes. I was uncovered for a period of time that could not even be measured in minutes. Dancing continued for about another hour or so. Brian and I really enjoyed wearing each-others clothing, but eventually grew tired of it. We decided we should give each other our rightful clothes back. Once again, we did this while dancing with each other in a living room containing about 15 to 20 other people. A man who lived at this residence was made irate by our gestures of comfort and good-will toward one another. He rushed at us and tried to push us out the door, but I managed to actually throw him out of his own house! After he came back inside, we managed to talk him into letting us stay at his party. Later we were congratulated by many people (mostly women) for getting naked, while a bunch of skinny, 20 year old, "rocker" types with neck tattoos talked trash about us 2 rooms away. Meanwhile, while were were inside having a good time with one another, a group of people, who were actually invited to the party were physically abusing and harassing a small 5' tall, 100 lb girl, and one of her male friends. I did not know what was occurring, until the aforementioned little lady came in crying. She had complaints of people pushing he up against a wall, trying to detain her, and slapping her, while another person claimed to be pushed down some stairs. Some how these people were totally welcome at this party, while me and my festive-companions were not. I kind of wanted to round up people to go and destroy them, but a group of people blocked me and others from doing this by protesting: "THOSE GUYS ARE ALL IN A STREET GANG FROM CHICAGO! YOU SHOULDN'T GO AFTER THEM!". By the time the situation was sorted out, they were all long gone anyway.

I am never going to go back to that house again.

Career Opportunities

I've applied for about 10 jobs in the last two days, and posted my poorly put together resume on some job finding websites. This morning, I received an e-mail offering me an interview with a company that sells life insurance. This is probably one of the last things that I would ever want to do, and something I'd be extremely poorly equipped to do. Needless to say, I signed up for the first available interview slot. Currently I have 2 slices of bread (one of which is a heel), and about $60 to my name. I don't believe in the concept of souls, so I might as well take a job befitting of such a character trait.